


Like Trying to Catch Smoke With Your Bare Hands

by JustAnotherNerd1820, lemondropss



Category: Harry Potter - J.K Rowling
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Azkaban, Dementors, Escape From Azkaban, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, M/M, Marauders era, Memories, Prison, Revenge, Sirius is in Azkaban, Werewolves, fluff when you need it most, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:40:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24461434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAnotherNerd1820/pseuds/JustAnotherNerd1820, https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemondropss/pseuds/lemondropss
Summary: Sirius Black has been is Azkaban Prison for 12 years. Now he knows it’s time to escape. But how?
Relationships: Remus Lupin/Sirius Black
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	Like Trying to Catch Smoke With Your Bare Hands

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Mentions of abuse and suicide  
> Another fic my friend and I wrote together. She did all the angsty bits and I did not.  
> The title is from Prisoner of Azkaban and that one lad with the two most dramatic lines in the movie. His name is Bem, I belive. Anyways, enjoy!

The food was cold. Again. Remus would say that it matched Sirius’ personality. Sirius nearly swore. No matter how much he tried to banish Remus from his thoughts, he was never able to eliminate his memory. The werewolf haunted his dreams, and Sirius often awoke to the howls of the other prisoners, to a reflexively transformed body. Picking at his food, Sirius forced himself to focus on what he would do once he got out of Azkaban. Kill Peter, find Harry… and Remus. After that, Sirius had no idea what he would do. 

Letting his thoughts drift-but keeping them tethered, in case they strayed too far-Sirius reflected on his happiest thoughts, among the only things that kept him sane in this damned prison. The times before Peter was evil, before James was married, before all the complications with Remus. When they were just friends.

***

“Afternoon, lads,” said James Potter, dumping a stack of books on the boys’ table in the great hall. 

Sirius looked up, his mouth full of toast. “Wha’s up?” he asked through the food.  
“I’ve got an idea,” James said, settling into his seat.

Peter, wiggled over so James could have a seat, nearly upsetting the first year beside him. “Another plot against Snivillus, James?”

James nodded and flipped open the top book. “Correct, Peter! That slime ball’s been getting all up in Evan’s face and I’m not liking it one bit.”

Remus sat on the opposite side of the table. He nodded in consideration, but gave a questioning look. “James, you know she isn’t _actually_ your girlfriend. She can hang around anyone she likes.”

James rolled his eyes. “Yeah, anyone besides _Snivillus_.”

Remus only shrugged and took another bite of his red apple. 

“So I was thinking we cast a little hex on him so that whenever he talks to Evans, bubbles’ll come out his mouth.”

Sirius stood, looming over James’ book. “Neat. I like it. She might like the bubbles, though. I like bubbles.” Sirius pantomimed popping invisible spheres of soap in the air, making Remus laugh. Sirius’ chest swelled with the satisfaction of making his friend smile, especially so close after a moon cycle.

“Good point,” said James. He creased his eyebrows together in deep thought. He looked up, as if he’d come up with a brilliant solution. “We’ll make the bubbles smell bad when they’re popped. Bad breath bubbles!”

“I like the way you think, Potter,” Sirius winked. “Let’s get to work.”

All four of the boys grabbed a book and looked through, searching for any jinkes that might help.

***

It was painful to remember, but more like ripping off a bandage than stabbing himself with a knife. He heard a scratching of a key being put into a lock, the horrid sound pulling Sirius out of his stupor. Groaning, he stood up, missing Remus more. He made his way down the hall, past the jeering prisoners, past the ones too far gone to do anything but stare blankly at the walls, and past the ones who sobbed in the corners of their cells, crying for mercy. 

A door at the end of the hall creaked open, and Sirius began dragging his feet, knowing what lay inside. Sirius wished he could reassure himself that the dread of sessions was worse than what would meet him, but that would have been lying.

Two of the dementors met him at the doorway. Sirius couldn’t help but shudder. Even after 12 years it was just as horrifying as the first day. If not more so.

Hoards of the faceless, black-robed _things_ awaited him. It was awful to watch. They pushed and shoved, just like masses of humans. But they weren’t humans. The sucking noise from their mouths and the silver substance flowing from his body proved otherwise. His screams were nothing out of the ordinary, and no one would be coming to help him. Sirius transformed. Even now, after so many years, he couldn’t make it more than two or three minutes as a human. Bad memories crowded his head. His mother screaming obscenities as his brother looked on, laughing. Peter, standing in a crowd of Muggles, Sirius chasing after him. 

The dementors were swarming all around Sirius. The pain was almost unbearable. Any other man would have been broken by now. Any other man would have submitted to the kiss. Sirius had wanted to so many times. His brain betraying his heart as he lay on his cell floor, panting, shaking, and trying not to cry. But he had to stay alive for Remus. The dementors shrieked around him, and Sirius’s eyes closed. He knew what was coming.

***

“Filth! Trash! You are not even worth the life of a house elf!”

Sirius couldn’t let the words hurt him. Couldn’t let her see how much he still craved her attention. Every time he came back he wished, he hoped, it would change. It never did. He heard a crash, and instinctively flinched. His mother had thrown a vase at him. He couldn’t stay. He had to leave. He’d go to James’ house. Remus was staying there for the holiday as well, which gave Sirius hope. Maybe this Christmas wouldn’t be that bad.

***

Memories of his journey flashed past Sirius’ eyes. The cold park benches. The snow falling on the Winter Solstice. The pains in his head, his feet, his body. But the thought of James, warm food, and especially Remus, kept him going.

***

He collapsed on the front steps of the Potters, not even enough strength to ring the doorbell. Sirius hoped someone would find him before the snow buried him. His body thudded heavily on the steps, exhausted and alone.

The door creaked open, and so did Sirius’ eyes. It was Remus. That was the only time Sirius had ever heard Remus swear.

***

It was cold and black, then warm, then hot, too hot. He was burning! Sirius’s eyes flashed open, but the weight on them was too much and they shut again.

“Sirius, oh my God. Sirius. Sirius, wake up! Sirius! What happened Sirius? Oh my God. Oh my God. Sirius.”

“Remus calm down. It’ll be okay. My mom’s the best Healer at St. Mungo’s. He’ll be fine, I promise.” James’ voice drifted through the air, making Remus pause. Sirius wanted to scream. _Stop talking, James! Let Remus speak!_ But he could feel his consciousness drifting away, and it was black and too hot again.

***

It wasn’t quite so hot this time. Sirius could open his eyes. A woman was standing over him, hazy, but familiar.

“Oh honey,” the vision said. “You stay right here, and I’ll go get Remus and James. They’ll want to know you’re awake.” Sirius couldn’t really do much, just blink, and force his eyes open again.

“Sirius! Sirius! You’re alive! Sirius!” James came bounding in the room, as much a stag in human form as his Animagus form. Remus was quieter, slinking into the room with muffled footsteps that seemed to echo in Sirius’ head.

They reached the edge of the bed, and James wrapped Sirius in a bone-crushing hug. Remus hung back, but when James stepped away, he came close and whispered in Sirius’ ear, “I’m so glad you’re alright.”

Sirius barely managed a smile, but his eyes forced their way down again, and the warmth and the darkness came over him once more.

***

This time when we awoke, he was better. The pain was gone… mostly. The heat was gone… almost. He could blink and know that he would be able to leave his eyes open. Looking around, Sirius could see where he was. It was the Potter’s house. He had made it. But no one was there. It was deathly quiet. A small, nagging thought came into Sirius’ brain. _She didn’t kill them did she?_

He pushed it away, knowing that she wouldn’t. She wasn’t that mean. But he lay shaking in his covers for what felt like hours, waiting for a sound. He heard a howl. Anyone else would have chalked it up to the wind, but Sirius knew what it was. It didn’t matter how much pain he was in, he had to find Remus, make sure he was okay.

His door stuck. Of course it did. But he opened it with minimal squeaking, and made his way down the stairs, silently thanking the inventor of the hand rail the entire time.

The Potters were waiting in the kitchen.

“Oh good, you’re up Sirius. Are you hungry?” Mrs. Potter bustled around the kitchen, bread, butter, and jam all hovering halfway in and halfway out of the cabinets as she paused to ask him the question.

“Oh um…” Sirius wasn’t sure how to respond. No one ever asked if he was hungry, let alone made something for him. “Sure? But I’ll eat after I go help Remus.” There had been a full moon the night before, and Sirius hates himself for having missed it. 

Mr. Potter stood up. “Sit down Sirius. He’ll be just fine. He has James with him.” He pulled out a chair from underneath the table. Sirius didn’t dare do anything but sit down. As much as he wanted to help James and Remus, he knew that disobeying a direct order would be catastrophic.

A small plate of buttered toast with a smearing of jam slid in front of him. Mrs. Potter sat down next to her husband, and the two of them watched Sirius eat. It was actually a little creepy.

They sat in silence for almost an hour and a half, Sirius slowly making his way through nearly an entire loaf of bread. When he finally realized how much he had eaten, he panicked, pushing his plate away.

“Are you full?” asked Mrs. Potter.

“I’ve eaten enough of your food,” Sirius replied. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to take advantage of your hospitality. I shouldn’t have come. I’m so sorry.”

He stood to leave, but Mrs. Potter stopped him.

“We want to help you Sirius, and you have always been so kind to James and your little posse. It’s a shame your mother doesn’t see the brilliant boy that she has.” She wrapped him in a hug, then led him back to bed.

***

The usual cacophony occurred when Sirius was declared “not dead, and in fact perfectly healthy” by Mrs. Potter.

“C’mon! I’ll show you my room!” shouted James. “And then I’ll show you the room you can share with Remus!”

Sirius furrowed his brow, but followed. His stomach dropped when he realized that he had been sleeping in James’ room the whole time. It dropped even more when he realized that he and Remus would be sleeping together. Alone.

That night they lay side by side, their beds pushed together.

“I can’t do this, Remus. I can’t stay.” Sirius had been thinking this for a while.

“The Potters don’t mind. They love having you around. They think of you as a second son, honey. They adore you.”

“I know. That’s why I can’t stay. I can’t get attached. It was bad enough when I fell for you. I can’t do this. I can’t live like this. I have to leave.”

A shudder ran through Remus, and Sirius knew he understood. “Don’t try to stop me? Please?” It was a last request.

“I can’t not stop you, dear! You're not safe away from here!”

“Just… ugh! Stop it with the pet names! It makes it harder!” Sirius rolled over in the bed, kicked the covers off and started pacing. Remus had cast a spell to muffle all their noise before they went to bed, knowing what could happen.

Remus got out of bed too. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do.

“Sirius. Just… sit down for a moment?”

“No, Remus!” It was the first time he had snapped at the werewolf. A small quiver of remorse shuddered through him, but he pushed it away. “I can’t. I can’t!”

“What can’t you do?” Remus slipped into what the Marauders called his “therapist voice”. The one he used when first years had panic attacks, and fights broke out in the common room.

“I can’t… I can’t… I can’t do us Remus. We shouldn’t do this. We _can’t_ do this. I can’t stay here. I can’t burden anyone else with what I have to carry. It’s heavy enough for me. No one else deserves to carry it.”

Remus stood up, gently placing his hands on Sirius’ shoulders, guiding him to the bed. “Just sit down for a moment.”

Sirius relented, but turned to face Remus. “Remus. Don’t stop me. Please?”

***

Sirius knew what happened next. The thoughts ran through his head, faster than he could stop them. _His own wand, pointed at his chest. Remus, his scream piercing the night. The footsteps. The pain. The way everyone treated him like a china doll for the weeks after, and how everyone kept offering to help._

Prongs, thought Sirius, eyes welling with tears. _He’s dead. He’s gone. Peter is still alive. But I am still alive. Remus is still alive._ A small ray of hope filled him. _Remus is alive._ Sirius repeated the three words in his head, _Remus is alive. Remus is alive. You are alive. You will find Remus, you will find Harry, you will kill Peter._

The mantra bouncing around his head made small dents in the powerful vacuum of the dementors. Enough for Sirius to allow his eyes to close, allow his mind to drift, just a little, to Remus. To one of the best nights. To one of _their_ nights. Just Sirius. Just Remus. Just the two of them. Together.

***

Remus’ hand was wound tight around Sirius’ red and gold Gryffindor tie. He was breathing heavily, like every breath was a struggle. Sirius held him close to his chest, running his hand over the boy’s head, smoothing his messy brown hair.

“I don’t want to, Sirius,” Remus looked up at the boy with large hazel eyes, glassed over with tears. “It hurts too much, I can’t do it, don’t let me do it.”

“I know, honey, I know it hurts, it’s okay,” Sirius said in a hushed voice. Remus was trembling now, in his arms.

“You don’t understand,” said Remus, his voice cracking. “You don’t know what it’s like.”

Sirius looked up, staring at the furthermost wall in the building residents of Hogsmeade have started to call the Shrieking Shack. He and Remus were seated on the large canopy bed, and Sirius’ boyfriend was about to transform.

Remus had demanded he leave, so he wouldn’t be hurt. Sirius, stubbornly, insisted on staying. He would turn into his canine form when the moon was at its highest, he knew how to keep safe.

“You’re right, I don’t know what it’s like,” said Sirius. “But I do know how I can make it better, I think.”

Remus glared at the boy, unimpressed. “Oh really?”

“That’s right, Moony. Here.” Sirius untangled himself from Remus for a moment and took the werewolf’s hand. He crawled over to the bed’s headboard and sat, perched like a dog might.

Sirius pulled away the covers to his left side. Remus looked up at him in question, but Sirius only gave a smile. After a moment’s hesitation, Remus climbed under the sheets and snuggled underneath them. Sirius did the same on the right side quickly after.

The two of them collapsed against the feather pillows and exhaled in unison. Sirius turned to his side to stare at Remus. “Hi,” he whispered.

“Hi,” Remus giggled back. Sirius scooted closer to the werewolf, allowing Remus to fit his head just on top of Sirius’ shoulder. Sirius wrapped his arm around Remus’ own shoulder and squeezed him tight. He pulled up the covers all the way up to their chins.

“Better?”

Remus breathed in deeply, letting it out a moment later. He closed his eyes, more relaxed now. “Yeah, I think so.”

“Good,” said Sirius. He slowly let his right hand drift to Remus’ stomach. Carefully, ever so carefully, he lifted up the bottom of Remus’ dirty white school uniform. He traced the boy’s bare skin, making Remus’ breath hitch. 

“I’m here for you,” Sirius promised. “Always.” 

Remus turned his head to the side and smiled up at the messy haired boy above him. “Thank you,” he said, pushing his face up so his lips touched those of Sirius. 

Sirius leaned into the kiss, letting Remus warm him to his very soul. Sirius pulled Remus closer, pressing their bodies together, making sure never to let go. 

They stayed like that until Remus jerked away abruptly. He quickly pushed Sirius away and jumped up from the covers. 

Alarmed, Sirius looked to the only window in the Shrieking Shack. Moonlight filled the otherwise dark room. Remus looked to Sirius in fear. 

“I can’t do this,” he said. “I can’t—” the boy let out a cry and fell onto his knees. Sirius ran over to Remus and wrapped him in his arms. 

Remus’ eyes widened. “No, let go, you have to let go! Turn into Padfoot, please?” The werewolf’s body jerked and twisted. There were tears in his eyes. “ _Please_ ,” he begged. 

A moment later, the transformation began. Remus’ limbs were painfully stretched and broken, molding themselves into a new creature. 

Sirius knew he should turn into his dog form, but something stopped him. He had to do something, anything, to stop the pain. 

His mind wandered to a passage in a book he’d read not too long ago. He hadn’t thought it would work, but maybe, just maybe…

Remus had almost fully transformed now. Sirius took the liberty of backing off into the corner of the Shrieking Shack, and not a moment too soon.

Moony looked straight up at Sirius, his eyes dark and cold. The dark haired boy took a deep breath and stood bravely.

Sirius thought back to the passage he’d read. He often checked out a lot of books on werewolves to better understand and help Remus. The other Marauders did too, sometimes, but Sirius made it his personal quest to find the best ways to help his boyfriend. Hew as the one who came up with the whole anmagiaus thing, after all.

The passage had said that if someone who truly loved and trusted a werewolf called him by name, then the werewolf would be able to turn back human. Sirius wasn’t sure that he knew anyone who loved and trusted Remus more than he, so it was worth a shot. Maybe it was a myth, maybe it would all go terribly wrong but what if…

“Remus John Lupin,” said Sirius, projecting his voice far more than normal to announce the boy’s whole name. Moony froze, staring at him. Sirius held out his arm, palm extended. “I love you more than life and I would never, ever wish anything to hurt you.”

The werewolf whined and turned his head. A shot of fear went through Sirius. He’d already said his name, it hadn’t worked yet. In a last resort of bravery, Sirius took two steps forward and took another breath.

“Remus John Lupin,” he said. “I love you.”

Moony stood there without a sound. Sirius planned to wait another moment before turning to the safety of being Padfoot. But he didn’t need to. Remus started to turn back, his snout retreating and his lengthened limps shortening.

Within minutes, he was back to being the boy Sirius loved, with a lack of clothing. Quickly, Sirius gathered the blanket from the bed and wrapped Remus in it. The boy was weak and was shaking in the late autumn cold. He looked to Sirius with fear in his eyes.

“Did I hurt you? How long was I changed? What happened?” These were the questions Remus always asked after a full moon, but there was no need for them now. Sirius only smiled.

“None of that, honey,” Sirius gently massaged Remus’ back, up and down, up and down until the boy relaxed again. “You were hardly changed for five minutes.”

“What?” Remus appeared shocked and confused. “That’s never happened before, what happened to the moon?”

“Nothing,” Sirius said, gesturing to the window. The moon was still bright, which made Remus wince when he looked. Sirius held the werewolf’s face in his hands. “I turned you back,” he laughed in delayed surprise. “I saw this thing in a book and I tried it and it worked.”

“You turned me back? But how?” Remus’ brow furrowed, always trying to come up with an academic solution. 

Sirius only shook his head. “I don’t know, I just said your name and… look, I’m just glad you’re back.”

“Me too,” said Remus. “Thank you, Sirius.” With that, he pushed the black-haired boy over and kissed him, wrapping the blanket around them.

They pulled away after many moments, allowing both boys to sloppy crash back on the bed. Sirius rested again with his head back in the pillow and Remus with his on Sirius’ shoulder. 

Sirius undid his shirt buttons— it was only fair, after all — and started to hum. It was a long forgotten lullaby, with a gentle melody used to lull young children down to sleep. Or in this case, a shaken werewolf. 

Remus sighed with content and shut his eyes. Sirius did the same, but not before taking a long, loving look at the most important person in his life. 

Remus was the one person who gave him joy, the one person that kept Sirius tethered to this world. 

And he would be the one thing that Sirius could stop a dementor with.

***

“ _Expecto Patronum!_ ” Sirius shouted at the dementor hovering menacingly above him. He’d mastered the spell almost 15 years ago, and he didn’t need a wand for it. A glowing white dog shot forward and stood proudly in front of Sirius.

The dementor’s faceless form looked taken aback. It writhed and floated backwards. Quickly, Sirius stole the key from the creature and bolted. He ran for his life.

He ran for Remus.

“I’m coming,” Sirius promised under his breath. “I’m coming.”  
Then Sirius Black accomplished the one thing no one else has ever been able to do before; escaping from Azkaban.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Don’t be afraid to leave a comment or click out without another word. Good day to you all :)


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